Facebook sent me a message the other day saying I’d been on it for ten years. At the beginning of my relationship with Mark Zuckerberg’s addicting brainchild, my posts were fairly straightforward. Sometimes I’d share charming and poignant details about my daily life. (Crisis! Can’t find the Q-tips.) Other times I’d post some hard-won wisdom. (Bourbon and eye-brow plucking do not mix.)

But now that I’m a ten-year social media veteran, I’ve learned the fine art saying one thing on Facebook and meaning something else. For your perusal, I present my most deceptive Facebook status updates from 2017:

In life there are givers and takers. From now on, I intend to “weed out” and “trim” the number of people who have no respect for my belongings.

Translation: I hope my neighbor will see this passive aggressive post and return my weed trimmer. He’s had it for a month.

Nothing like feeling the sand in your toes while everyone else is freezing!  (Posted with a photo of my bare feet in sand.) 

Translation: I’m not at the beach. I’m standing barefoot in a box of kitty litter. But I still want you to be wildly envious of my fabulous life.

Yikes! Found my first gray hair today! Hate getting old.

Translation: I want comments like, “You’ve still got it!” or “You don’t look a day over twenty-five.” Also, try not to notice that I posted a photo of myself taken thirty years ago.

I’m cleaning up my Facebook friend list so if don’t want to be cut, let me know.

Translation: It would also be nice if you begged, sent money or brought me a pound of fudge.

Omigod! Taylor Swift died? Eaten by a crocodile. How tragic.

Translation: I’m extremely gullible.

I put my latest writing award on the shelf and it collapsed from the weight of too many awards. Does anyone know a good carpenter?

Translation: I’m fabulously talented, and it’s a tremendous burden.

Ugh! Worst day of my life ever. Can’t get into the incredibly gruesome details, but today was the pits.

Translation: If you want the whole juicy story, bring a bottle of wine and take-out Chinese to my house, pronto.

Have you ever seen a big toe turn so many colors? (Posted with a photo of a swollen toe.)

Translation: My foot’s grossing me out, and I want you to share in my disgust.

Let’s see who’s reading my wall. Post how you met me, how much you value my friendship or just anything old thing about me, me, me.

Translation: I’m getting desperate for likes and comments. Please assure me that I’m not a cipher.

Does anyone know where I can find a CrosFit gym that’s open 24 hours? At two a.m. I was in the mood to throw around some truck tires and couldn’t find any place that was open. #Iseveryoneinthistownacouchpotato?

Translation: I managed to do a few push-ups, and now I think I’m a beast.

My spider plant now has two new spider pants, So cute!

Translation: Why aren’t my children producing grandchildren? 

That’s it! Done with Facebook for a while. Don’t know when I’ll be back. If ever.

Translation: Please talk me out of it! What will I do with those extra five hours per day?

Article appears in the February/March 2018 issue of Augusta Magazine.

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